The Bloodless Revolution

Typical ECB. Can't even organise an exciting double-sacking. Where were the angry shouted questions from a baying mob of hacks? Where were the scuffles with reporters? The tears? The threats of legal action? No, all we get is an exchange of press releases and then timid little Hugh Morris reading out a prepared story as long as the assembled media types promised not to ask him any questions.

"Once upon a time," he began, in a whispery little voice, "there were two nice men called Kevin and Peter. Thenwesackedthembotheventhoughneitherofthemhaddoneanythingwrong. And they both lived happily ever after. The end." And off he skipped to Neverland.

Mind you, Sky News wasn't much better. Between 5:40pm and 5:55pm we saw the same footage of KP at Durban airport approximately fourteen times. I've memorised it now. I can picture him, wearing a light burgundy top with a hint of charcoal. He walks past a Subway (closed) and a man with a shiny forehead who turns to watch him go. The camera lingers on the back of KP's head for a while. A little later on, we see him handing a ticket to an official. Fourteen times. And Sky had the nerve to call this, 'Exclusive footage of the England captain.'

Thank God then for Bob Willis. Called in to fill the gap between when Sky started to tell us about the 6 o'clock statement and when it actually arrived, old Bob grumbled, whinged and moaned delightfully for a few minutes, managing to explain that KP had been stupid and that the England players didn't like him.

Then it was Gower's turn.

"Is English cricket in a mess, asked the excitable studio presenter. Not really, I was thinking.

"Yes it is," opined David and proceeded to lull us to sleep with a five minute exposition, the finer points of which I may only be able to recall under hypnosis.

Of course it's nothing of the sort. Socrates would have summed it up thus:

"Wouldn't you say that yesterday we had a captain who wasn't quite up to the job?"
"Yes I would."
"And would you also say that we had a coach who wasn't that great?"
"Well, yes, that's true."
"And would you further say that the captain and the coach didn't work well together?"
"I suppose that is true, yes."
"And that the team was divided, not all of them supporting the captain?"
"I would have to say yes."
"And would say that these were bad or good things?"
"Bad things, certainly."
"And after today's mess, do these things still exist?"
"Well, no."
"So if it is a mess, isn't it a peculiarly good kind of mess, in which all the problems which existed yesterday have now been resolved?"
"Why, yes it is."
"So can it really be considered to be a mess?"
"When you put it like that, no, I suppose it isn't."

So there you have it. Socrates would have made mincemeat of David Gower. But probably not Andrew Strauss. Which is reason number 94 in the long list of reasons why he should already be captain and we should not be having this conversation.