A New Dawn

Today was a momentous day in the history of English cricket as the ECB unveiled the new-look English Premier League.

“Today is a momentous day in the history of English cricket,” said the ECB’s Head of Corporate Bollocks, Giles Clarke, whilst stuffing his fat cheeks with Cheddar.

The English Premier League is modelled on the Indian Premier League, but with a few regional adjustments.

“Obviously, we can’t just copy the Indians, so you’ll see a few differences,” said Clarke, gnawing on a rat. “For a start no-one will want to watch it, because it’ll be rubbish. So we’ve gone away from the idea of big stadia and we’re holding it in my back-garden. Well it was either that or Taunton. And we’ve sold the rights to Mongolian State TV, so those lazy old buggers in their armchairs won’t be able to see it either.”

Asked whether there would be IPL-style player auctions, Clarke chuckled. “Oh yes, sure,” he replied sarcastically. “What am I bid for this Gareth Batty? Do I see ten pounds. Ten pounds anyone? Don’t be saft, lad.”

The English Premier League will run from January to December, with forty-eight rounds of matches, a month of play-offs and a Grand Final to decide which is the least worst team. Amongst the galaxy of international superstars scheduled to take part are Jonas Van Kolpack, brother of someone who almost played for South Africa and former Australian 12th man Carl Rackemann or someone who looks very much like him. The eighteen counties have been specially renamed for the tournament, the names being chosen by a consultancy firm, ‘Old Rope Associates’ and finely tuned to reflect the diverse reality of modern British life.

Lancashire Drizzle
Durham Beer Bellies
Yorkshire Moan
Nottinghamshire Accents
Derbyshire Fly Tippers
Leicestershire Kolpacks
Northamptonshire Traffic Cones
Worcestershire Wellies
Gloucestershire Flood Warnings
Glamorgan Slag Heaps
Surrey Shooters
Middlesex Mortgages
Sussex Nimbys
Hampshire Chemicals
Somerset Inebriates
Kent Racists
Essex Nightclubs
Warwickshire Idiots