Peter, Kevin and Michael too

I wasn’t there when Kevin Pietersen was offered the England captaincy – for some reason, they thought they could muddle through without me. That was a mistake and so, it turned out, was appointing Kevin Pietersen. Like I say, I don’t know what was said at that meeting, but I’m fairly sure it went along these lines:

Geoff Miller: Kevin. Do you think you could do the job?
KP: Yes, I am.
Geoff Miller: Is there anything you’d like to tell us before we offer it to you?
KP: No, nothing at all.
Geoff Miller: Kevin, would you like to be England captain?
KP: Yes I would.

But it turns out that not everyone was being honest in this conversation. Can you guess who wasn’t telling the truth? (I’ll give you a clue: it isn’t the one who wasn’t born in Pietermaritzburg). Because it turns out the conversation should have gone something like this:

Geoff Miller: Kevin. Do you think you could do the job?
KP: Er…probably.
Geoff Miller: What does that mean?
KP: Well, I’d like to do it. I mean, I’ve always wanted to be England captain, ever since I stopped being South African.
Geoff Miller: So what’s the problem?
KP: It’s just that I’m not very good at the tactics and stuff.
Geoff Miller: I see.
KP: I know! Could I bring my friend Michael?
Geoff Miller: Michael?
KP: Michael. Vaughan.
Geoff Miller: You mean the one who just resigned.
KP: Yes.
Geoff Miller: The one who hasn’t scored a run against anyone apart from New Zealand in the last three years?
KP: That’s him. See, he could help me out with, like the tactics and all that and I could do the press conferences and wave my arms about at mid-on. And you wouldn’t have to pay him much, cause he says he’d do it for nothing.
Geoff Miller: Well it’s an interesting idea.
KP: So you’ll do it.
Geoff Miller: No. Get out.
KP: This is so unfair! I’m going to live in Sri Lanka!

The only man angrier than Peter Moores at the moment is probably Andrew Strauss. You see, back in August, it was agreed that Straussy just can’t be captain because he isn’t guaranteed his place in the one day side and as we all know, Team England carries no passengers (although one or two have been keeping their heads down at the back of the bus for a while now).

Five months later and we’re apparently considering selecting someone who hasn’t scored a run since the Olympics before last purely on the grounds that he might be able to help the captain out with, well, captaincy. Rest easy in that comfy chair, Mr Collingwood ‘cause it turns out we do carry passengers after all.

So what has changed in the last five months? Well, there’s a recession. A new American President. Liverpool are top of the league. Oh and it has suddenly become apparent that Kevin Pietersen isn’t up to the job of England captain. Well I don’t know about you, but I certainly didn’t see that coming. What with his vast experience of leadership and renowned interpersonal skills, who could possibly have forseen that it wouldn’t work out? Certainly not mystic Miller.

So the next time you’re going to a job interview, don’t forget to ask if you can bring a friend. After you’ve got the job, obviously.