Ten Uses for Collingwood and Shah

1. Stand-in Chess Pieces
Every Sunday during the IPL, Lalit Modi will be entertaining guests with a game of living chess on the manicured lawn of his palatial Cape Town villa. Spare pawns are always useful, should any of the regular pawns cry off.

2. Trophy Integrity Monitors
Equipped with feather dusters and a range of cleaning products, the dynamic duo could keep their eye in by swatting away specks of dust that threaten to settle on the IPL Trophy.

3. Reserve Cheerleaders.
For when the first team girls need a break. Pretty much what they’ve already been doing, but with fewer clothes.

4. Bat Chaperones
Ensuring that Gambhir and Sehwag’s bats get their share of RnR, the superfluous Englishmen could show them the sights, maybe take in a show, perhaps on to a classy restaurant, before making sure they are safely tucked up in their kit bags by midnight.

5. Commentary Box Attendants
A range of duties including mopping Mark Nicholas’s brow, polishing Sunil Gavaskar’s shoes and ensuring that Ravi Shastri is plugged into the mains an hour before the toss.

6. Dog Enticers
In the event of canine interruptions, the Delhi duds could be released onto the field of play with raw steaks tied to their ankles and encouraged to run towards the exits.

7. Bodyguards
Working directly to a Mr Shahrukh Khan they would be responsible for opening packages with Kolkata postmarks and tasting any dish sent with the compliments of a former Indian captain.

8. Ball Retrievers
Stationed in the vicinity of Newlands, they will be equipped with fishing nets, roller blades and maps of Cape Town. This will also have the benefit of freeing up another two seats in the ground.


9. Hand Shakers-In Waiting
Accompanying Mr Lalit Modi as he traverses the ground and shaking the hands of some of the less important people on his behalf, thus freeing His Modiness to spend more time on his BlackBerry.

10. Precipitation Awareness Operatives.
Where bad weather is forecast, they could be positioned at either end of the Delhi dugout with their palms outstretched.


First published on Cricinfo