Alternative Employment XI

Rahul Dravid
Growing up in a small Welsh village, the young Dravid was known as ‘Rahul the Wall’ for his skills with bricks and mortar. Sadly, his time as a brickie was cut short when he was selected to represent India.

Jacques Kallis
Those watching the Bangalore versus Delhi game may have noticed the corpulent Kallis fielding at point and diving over the ball in the manner of one of the larger primates slipping on a banana skin. That is no coincidence, since in the off-season he dons a hairy suit and works as a Gorillagram for the Jonty Rhodes Party Agency.

Kevin Pietersen
KP makes batting looks easy, but in fact, every single plie, petit jete and pirouette is carefully choreographed. Renowned for his media skills, it is less well known that the former England captain once studied at the Natal Academy of Dance and is a prima ballerina of some distinction.

VVS Laxman
The silky smooth stroke player has the ability to blend invisibly into any situation (as Deccan Chargers fans will attest) and he uses those skills to pursue a double life as a high society burglar. Now, here at Cricinfo, we don’t condone jewel theft, but frankly it is an honour to have one’s rubies rifled by VVS.

Paul Collingwood
As a boy, little Colly roamed the pine forests of Durhamshire, leaping from tree to tree and was later employed as a lumberjack for the Durham Forestry Commission. Unfortunately, he had to leave this job as his one-dimensional bottom-handed chopping style was boring his colleagues.

Dimitri Mascarenhas
A swashbuckling bowler with a nautical roll to the wicket, Dimi finds gainful employment during the off-season by donning a kerchief and cutlass and starring as Third Pirate from the left in Peter Pan at the Southampton Odeon.

Ramesh Powar
The young Ramesh’s first love is rugby and in his youth, he scrummed down as an immense prop-forward for Llanelli, where he was known simply as The Powar.

Dale Steyn
The crocodile-wrangling quick bowler bears more than a passing resemblance to Lee Harvey Oswald, a fact he used to his advantage when securing a job as Gary Oldman’s stunt double in Oliver Stone’s epic film JFK. As a result, whenever he’s hit for four, opposition supporters have been known to shout, “He’s just a patsy!”

Ajantha Mendis
The youngest member of the Sri Lankan Magic Circle, Ajantha has spent years honing his formidable skills of prestidigitation. He is well known in the magic world for his ability to produce an astonishing variety of small mammals from his top hat with no discernable change of action.

Lasith Malinga
The Slinger isn’t always available for Tests as he is on constant call for the Sri Lankan air force, for whom his horizontal arm action and vivid hair colourings are vital in helping to guide pilots to a safe landing.

Ashok Dinda
The Kolkata trundler’s trademark six foot delivery leap has caught the eye of many potential employers and it is understood that when the IPL is over, Ashok will be taken on by the Bengali Fire Service to retrieve kites, balls and pet animals from the branches of tall trees.


First published on Cricinfo